Trapped

I am thankful. I am thankful for everything I have in my life. I need to state that outloud. I love my life and everyone in it. It is hard for me to say outloud that I feel like I am drowning. I am starting to loose sight of what I love and what I have. I am letting my husband down and my kids down. I can't seem to manage my day or get anything done which is hard for Travis and the kids. Greif, daily life, and Sam's screaming has consumed my life and I can't get hardly anything done. When I get a moment of peace I don't want to do anything but sit. I have tried to be happy outside of the house thinking that I can fool myself into thinking I really am happy. I am ashamed of who I have become. I am unhappy, fat, tired, and angry a lot of the time. I struggle with everything and can't seem to do anything right. I fear that I am making my family unhappy and disappointed in who I am. After loosing loved ones and trying to deal with an unhappy baby all the time I am becoming defeated. On top of all the other small and big problems that exist in our lives it is becoming too much. I am currently writing this with Sam screaming on my back. It has gotten to the point that even wearing him won't make him happy. What am I doing wrong? I feel like such a failure and just a shell of a person. This is all I ever wanted and all I want to do is take a break. I want to breathe and I just can't get my head above water. I just feel lost and I don't think smiling my way through is going to make it better.

I couldn't help mself!

While in the tub Sam struck this pose and held it for quite some time. This seems to be the way he enjoys sitting these days while in the warm water. It looks as though he is in a jacuzzi and all he is missing is a cold one.

One did, one didn't, and the other one was along for the ride

Right before getting into the tub this afternoon I managed to find the camera and take advantage of the good moods. With one exception. Who do you think was not wanting their picture taken?

All Hallow's Eve

Halloween seemed to sneak up on me this year. We have been ready with decorations since October 1st but as far as costumes go I lagged behind a bit. Claire wanted to be Tinkerbell so I set out to make her costume. After finding out how much tool was I found it cheaper to have a dress made for her so that is what I did. I ordered white shoes to dye green and made big puff balls out of yarn to put on them when they were done. The shoes didn't get done since the kitchen was torn apart and so the puff balls sit in the pantry unused. She had prosthetic ears and I made her wings which I hand sewed and made light up. The wings were super neat but the metal frame was too soft so it didn't hold it's shape as well as I had hoped. The fact that they light up was fun and she got a kick out of that. She was happy with the final result and that was good enough for me. Ben wanted to be a dragon so I found someone to make the cutest dragon costume and Travis made him wings that lit up just like Claire's. He loved his costume and flew around the room terrorizing the family. Sam was dressed as a Larsen ancestor. Lars we called him as he had a skeleton costume with a viking hat. He was quite a hit at church. I didn't really dress up this year with everything that is happening in out lives but sort of went as the standard witch (I wore a hat and had crazy hair and eyelashes). Travis dressed up as a saint and a sinner. He had a pitchfork, horns and a halo. Our camera wasn't working so we didn't get very many pictures of the event or Travis so you will have to imagine what he looked like. I took a couple with my phone but they are not very good. Bapa (Steve) came over for most of the day and we made plans to fix the kitchen and after dinner he and Trav took the kids out for Tricks or treats. I stayed home to answer the door and again we had a lot of interest over our decorations. We have a bubble fogger which puts fog inside bubbles so when they pop the smoke billows out. The piano was ready to eat any children who tried to play him and the giant spiders made our front room their home. We had a couple of people come in the house to have their pictures taken. That made me feel good. We have raised the bar in our neighborhood for decorations and now it is really fun. The kids came home candy in tow and so happy that I thought it was going to take them hours to go to sleep but they were both out in about 20 minutes. Overall it was a good time had by all and next year will be better. A thank you to Bapa is needed for taking all the pictures and spending the day out here. Thank you!

My dad

The man. The myth. The legend.

Just because the package is small....

Today was a rough day for Claire. She was just off and had an attitude about her that made me want to send her to a distant content. I chalked it up to growing pains and discovering her own voice which, at times, makes me wonder if she is really only 4. Ben was playing nicely and Sam was sleeping when I noticed Claire quietly sitting behind the sofa balled up. Thinking she was pouting about a previous argument earlier that day I casually asked if she was ok. She turned her head and found her with tears in her eyes. I at first thought she was hurt and when asked she didn't speak. It alarmed me more and I started to fear that something ruptured because she was warm and pale. After pressing her to speak she burst out with "I miss Grandma!" My heart sank and I sat on the floor with her holding her as she cried uncontrollably. "I miss her voice, I miss her kisses, I can't see her anymore!" I didn't know what to do. I just held her. I let her talk and cry. "I want Greg. Greg and Grandma should be here not in Heaven! I want them and I can't have them. It's not fair!" "I know" was all I could say to her. We were both crying and Ben came and sat with us. He didn't even ask what was wrong. He just held us and placed his head on my ribs and held Claire's hand. I let them both know that there will always be a piece missing where Uncle Greg and Grandma were in our lives. We have lots of pictures and stories to keep them alive in our memories. As long as we talk about them we will never forget them and how much they meant to us. I let them know that I can still hear Grandma's voice in my head. Her infectious laugh. I can feel her hugs that I always got upon seeing her even if we had seen each other the previous day. I hear Uncle Greg's voice telling stories about when he was a kid or arguing at the dinner table about something with Uncle Matt and Bapa. I feel Uncle Greg's big strong hugs that I got every time I saw him and of how much he loved them. He loved them. Grandma loved them. I remind them that we are lucky to have been given as much time as we did with them while they were here. This experience with Claire today was a tough one since it made me remember that just because she is small doesn't mean she doesn't understand or comprehend loss. We are almost at the 1 year anniversary of Karen's death. My body can feel it and now I know Claire's does too. I am glad I was able to share such an emotional experience with my daughter and be emotional with her. As much as I initially dreaded having to talk about the loss of Greg and Karen out loud it was good to do and I think we are feeling a little better about life.

What are you doing?

While I was folding laundry and putting it away I took noticed that Claire was talking quite loud to herself. Trying to listen without looking like I was listening I was superficially busy with straitening up and not looking at her at all. She sounded like she was having a conflict between 2 people about where they were headed on their vacation. "The beach or bapa's house?" Still not wanting her to notice I was eavesdropping on her conversation I just said "What are you doing?" She responded with "Just playing." 'What are you playing?" I asked. Her reply was "Just a couple of chicks driving around." I was astounded that she had referred to her female dolls as chicks and turned around to explain that that was not a nice way to speak of the female species. What I did see when I turned around was a couple of chicks driving around.

Oh bother

Well here we go again. It seems like there is never a dull moment here at the "L" house. The bazaar is happening in 2 weeks and the dishwasher flooded the kitchen the other night. We noticed a problem with the floor a couple of weeks ago and Trav investigated the entire kitchen and went under the house where Jerry lives (The dragon) and found no water damage. After looking up the model number and brand of flooring that was originally installed we found out that it is not to be used for bathrooms or kitchens. Of course. The company who manufactures the floor will not replace it because we are not the original owners of the home so we figured we were hosed and were going to have to make due until we could afford to replace the floor ourselves. Large kitchen rug it is!! Not being really happy with that answer I begrudgingly went out and bought a rug to hide the horrible looking and now dangerous tripping hazard floor with a nice red rug. I have grown fond of the rug now and enjoy that it brings out the red wall we have in the kitchen. On the evening of the 19th I stepped on the rug as I went to put dishes in the sink and quickly realized that it was soaked in 1 place. Thinking it was one of the kids that spilled water and didn't want to fess up I blotted it up and went about my evening. We don't usually run the dishwasher during the day and do it while we are sleeping (Trav says the electricity is cheaper at night) but I needed to run it because I spent a lot of the day baking. At about 11pm we were just about to start filling the dishwasher again to run it at night like usual and fount that the entire rug was soaked. After lifting it up and running it outside we noticed a ton of water and more flooring puckering up and swollen with water. I spent the following day making calls, talking to our insurance company, and found we are covered for such a disaster. Whew! This morning the restoration company came and assessed the damage and tore out a lot of the floor and we now have 3 very large industrial fans and an industrial dehumidifier which we have to run constantly until the restoration company comes back at some point on Monday. At this point it looks like the cabinets may have to come out and some of the underlaying floor will need to be replaced. We will be getting a new floor and if the cabinets need to come out basically a new kitchen. On one hand this is a huge pain but I have to admit I am a little excited as I was never super happy with the kitchen but it worked and was basically new so we didn't make a fuss about it. This could be fun? My camera is having some troubles so I only had my phone to snap a couple of pictures but you can see some of the damage and wonderful Barry (Who was very nice and quite funny) did a great job with the kids around and keeping us entertained while he worked.

A typical day

These are just a couple of photos I managed to snap with my phone. They are a great bunch of kids if you

ask me.

Oh yes I am really doing this. This is a true story.

On minute 7 of my ridiculous "Test." We have had another invasion of gnats after having 3 boxes of tomatoes (About 50 lbs) in the house to make marinara sauce for winter. They are everywhere but we are starting to win as we are starting to see less and less of them. After heating up some juice for Sam one flew into the microwave and not really thinking I quickly shut the door. I stood there for a bit watching it fly around and trying to think of a good way to open the door and kill it. Not wanting to risk letting it get away I had an evil thought "Just cook it." Why not? Other than being cruel it seemed like a good plan.

My finger slowly reached up and pressed the "1 minute" button and the low whir of death began. I walked away not wanting to witness the horror as it drew it's last breath and died on the glass spinning plate (Maybe he would think he was in the 60's on a rotating circular bed as he went on to meet his maker?). Waiting for the beeping to signal that the deed was done and was time to remove the remains seemed like an eternity.

Finally with relief in the air it sounded like a trumpet. I was about to open the door and noticed a small black flicker out of the corner of my eye inside. What?!! To my surprise the little gnat was flying around happily. How could this be? In this very machine I have at one time made an arc of electricity happen trying to cook carrots and the gnat lives?! Oh it is on! All my feelings about performing an act of cruelty went out the window. "Does 2 minutes sound good to you....Harvey?" (I named him Harvey) Alright tough guy! 2 minutes doesn't seem to bother you?! Try 5!

After 5 minutes in the nuclear oven I peaked in to see if he had finally expired. After seeing no movement or body I opened the door slowly. I looked around and lifted the plate and found nothing. Nothing?! After staring at the back of the microwave trying to pick up on any movement it happened!! He flew right into my eye!

Farmer McDonald has his hands full

This is what happened yesterday while Claire was at school and Sam was napping.

Ben: Old McDonald has a farm

E-I-E-I-OOOOO!

And on that farm he had a........Moose!

E-I-E-I-OOOOO!

With a moose moose here

And a moose moo.......Wait!.........Moose don't make noise.

Fare Fair Faire

I have been so busy with the bazaar this year that I haven't posted in a while. I am afraid that this is just going to be the case for another few weeks. I did manage to catch a mistake about the bazaar recently that no one else has. I guess they may have but no one has brought it to my attention. I have been spelling Fare wrong. We wanted a bit of a play on words for the bazaar and so we named it the Holiday Fare. We liked that since it was like Fair but Fare. I have just realized that I have been combining the words to spell Faire.

I now know this because I made a rather large order of printed signs to Vistaprint with the wrong spelling. It is misspelled on the church sign, website, fliers, and now all the signs to direct traffic where to go. Once I had my "Oh S#@% !" moment and clued Travis in as to what I had done, he thought it was just best to embrace the screw up and say that we invented a new word. I have to say that I am on board with this decision (Since I am committed now) and that if you talk to me openly in public about this I will deny that there was ever a problem in the first place. This was the plan from the beginning.

My Monster

Sam has this which is just plain goofy! He, to me, looks like he has monster teeth what with them being so spaced out. The squinty eyes and wrinkled nose don't help. It makes me laugh every time he does it which is often.

Random sentances

I am sitting here in bed thinking of all the things I need to get done this week. House looks like a bomb went off but it needs to be cleaned up before Thursday night because there is going to be a meeting here. Meeting...Bazaar meeting. Not a BAZAAR meeting but a meeting about the bazaar I am in charge of. I have a thousand things I need to get done for my booth in the bazaar and I have no time to do them.

Travis is laying next to me breathing loudly and I kind of want to hit him with a pillow. That would not be so nice but it would feel good. I have had a headache for a couple of days now which is weird for me as I haven't had a headache for a while. I don't like it and my head itches. I keep wanting to do amazing things with my blog but I am having trouble managing my time. I am tired and have no energy and all I want to do is lay in bed all day. My kids have been a mix of good and evil lately. I don't know what to think about that other than they are kids. Maybe they are trying to kill me.

I have killed every Venus fly trap I have ever had. I clearly don't have enough flying bugs in my house to keep them fed. Travis has now decided to read my blog over my shoulder and it is maddening. Maybe I should hit him with a pillow. He did flick me for thinking about hitting him with a pillow once he read it. It would just be revenge.

My head is filled with random thoughts and it feels kind of good to let it out. What other crazy stuff is in there? I like cake. I really liked talking to Sam today like I was hosting a cooking show and had a thick Columbian accent. I don't know why it was Columbian but alas it was and Sam thought it was hilarious. That is the only accent that makes him laugh. I like to read to the kids with different accents but am afraid to do them for anyone else. I had a thought the other day to sue America for the loss of my accent. I love European accents and think they are interesting and classy and I want mine back. I am not happy that it was lost over time and I blame the melting pot that is America. Now as I write and narrate this in my head I am speaking in an Irish accent. Once it starts it can't be stopped. Oh well at least I am fancy in my own head. Ok now I sound like a head case. Off to bed before this turns into a 5 page essay on the crazy firings of my brain.

Claire's Corner

There is going to be a new regular post with Claire from now on. I will be asking her questions and she will be answering them. I would like to get to the point that others ask her questions and she can answer them. Be thinking of some appropriate questions and when it is time for Claire's Corner I will pick a few and she will answer them.

Q: How old are you?

A: 4

Q: When is your birthday?

A: July

Q: What do you think of the weather today:

A: Um, it's cloudy and this is pretty funny.

Q: What do you want to say?

A: Um, rainbows, plants, Ben said pants and I said PLANTS! That is just silly.

Q: What do you think of Ben?

A: He's 2. He is funny and silly and nice and he likes sharks. Yup, he likes sharks. Ben got a frog from the dentist for doing a good job. He likes big fishies and tiny fishies. He likes playing at the playground and I like to play at the playground. He likes to watch movies and he like to sing songs and stars and the moon. He likes the windy days and sometimes he really likes going everywhere at the stores. I am done about Ben.

Q: What do you think about Sam?

A: He likes to put his hand in his mouth and eat the play ketchup. Sometimes he cries and wakes me up like last night. It's OK. Sam likes Ben. Ben really likes Sam. Sam is a baby and a Sam. Sam Sam Sam Sam.

Q: What do you think about mean people?

A: Queens are mean. Sometimes they can be dangerous. That's it.

Q:Is there anything else you have to say?

A: Yup, I don't know. Maybe Ben can do it?

Again I am opening up the floor to ask Claire questions so be thinking and post a comment. I will pick a few and she will answer them.

A Corny Fellow

Sam has now discovered that he is a lover of corn. We have given him corn at several meals because we have had a lot of corn around. Plus it keeps him quiet and happy at meal time. Emphasis on quiet. He is getting more teeth and I think the cob feels good on his gums so why not? The problem we are discovering now is that as corn is becoming less and less in season our table is becoming more and more loud. He is now demanding corm at every meal and is not happy when it is not delivered. What are we going to do when our CSA is done in a couple of weeks?!!

Sam: Captains log day 248

It has been 248 days since my arrival on this strange planet. Shortly after entering into the atmosphere, where I found the air breathable and the light bright, I encountered several species that look like me and I have remained with them to this day. There is one that dispenses food which is called Mama and I seem to be the only one who eats what she offers. There is also one called Daddy who is gone for long periods of time. I find that I am overwhelmed with excitement when he returns and I have yet to figure out why this is. Another is shorter then the Mama and Daddy and has adapted their feet to walk on their toes. That one is called Claire. The other short one is just plain loud. That one is called Ben. I have learned that they have given me a name as well, which is Sam. I don't know why, but they seem to like it and it makes me feel tingly inside when they hold me and say it.

One troubling thing I have experienced lately is pain in my mouth. I have several days of pain and then this hard knob erupts. All I want to do it put things in my mouth and bite them. I have bit the food dispenser on the dispensary and it is not preferred. The dispenser yells, I get flicked, and then I am not allowed to eat anymore. I will not be doing this again as it affects meal time.

Over the past 4 days I have been conducting an experiment. After being put down for the long sleep of the day (Which I usually do well) I have been waking in hopes of being picked up and possibly fed. After not receiving these requests I have been screaming to let the Mama and the Daddy know how serious I am at getting one or both of my, now, demands. I even have tried tricking them to think I am asleep. When they think I am down I believe that they decide to go to sleep themselves. When I feel confident that they have achieved slumber I then scream loudly again for an even longer time. In doing this several times in the allotted slumber time I have succeeded a few times now and hope to continue this pattern. I am quite tired but can not let on. I think that I will scream every time they place me in the barred box, which is reserved for sleep, to see what happens. Maybe I will get a meal or never have to be alone again? More to follow later.

Turquoise

While Magda was in town I really wanted to get some photos taken of the family with her.  We decided to all wear jeans and solid color tops and the children would be in prints.  When we all showed up to meet at Bart and Marilyn's house 3 of us showed up in turquoise, 3 showed up in navy, and the younger girls were both in polka dots.  This was not discussed prior but turned out wonderful.  We all were so happy with how the photos turned out.  Donna Leathers, the photographer and owner of Captivate Photography, did a beautiful job and I look forward to our next set of pictures with her.  Anyone interested in her services should check her out as you will not be disappointed.     http://www.captivatephoto.com/

10 Things

This is a list of 10 things I never expected to say out loud:

1. "You can not do my hair with your feet"
2. "No I didn't say that you could put your head in the oven."
3. "Ben! Don't let Sam spit in your mouth!"
4. "Thank you for telling me that I have a big bottom Claire."
5. "Why did you think putting Cinderella's shoe in you eye was a good idea?"
6. "No, I don't think all moms give cake to their kids for lunch."
7. "Can you please pretend to like your brother so I can get this shot?"
8. "Why did you let the potato bug go down your pants?!!"
9. "Oh no!!!  Why did you pee on your pillow?!!"
10. "Did you just slip in barf?!"

Hamming it up

Those closest to us know that we have nick names for all our kids.  Claireeeee, Benny Roo, and now Hammy.  He also loves being the ham.  My mom loves that we call Sam Hammy since Hamilton is a family name.

It's a Not So Wonderful Life

Here we are at the beach enjoying spending time with Stephanie and her parents Ken & Kris.  The aquarium visit was wonderful and the dinner was awesome.  It came time for Ken and Kris to go back to their RV and Stephanie went to bed but Travis and I stayed up a little longer enjoying the quiet.  We were just about to get up and go to bed when we heard it.  It was.....Sam screaming.  Of course.  Alright it's 10:30pm what  is the best thing to do in this case?  Well maybe if we leave him he will go back to sleep? No.  Maybe if we just rock him he will go back to sleep? No.  How about a dose of Tylenol and teething gel since teething may be happening?  No.  Now it is 11:30 and he still is unhappy and I am trying not to nurse him so he doesn't think a midnight snack is now on the menu.  Well guess what?  I am tired and I haven't slept in 3 days and I just want to get to go to bed so I break down and nurse him.  He is seeming disinterested and he keeps biting me so I cut him off after trying to get him to nurse for about 30 minutes.  It is now midnight and he has been put back into his bed and is screaming his fool head off.

Travis and I are sharing a room with him and have decided that we are not going in there to try and "Sleep" through the blood curdling screaming 2 feet from our bed.  We choose to hunker down in the living room on the couch and the recliner.  After another 20 minutes of enduring the horror I decided that I will try to rock him again.  I bring him out to the living room, start the dishwasher, and rock vigorously enough to make it to the moon.  It eventually works after 30 minutes of serious restraint so he can't throw his head back and arch his back.  I quietly take him back to his bed and stand in the room for a few minutes to make sure he is really asleep.  I go out to the living room to wake Travis, who has fallen asleep on the couch, to let him know he can get into the bed now.  We both creep back into the room, sneak into the sheets, and get settled to quickly fall asleep.  We are in the bed maybe 3 minutes and he wakes only to start screaming yet again.  At this point he is dry, fed, warm, burped, drugged, and tired.  What the hell is left to do?!!  We both want to scream and are now starting to turn on each other and point fingers as to who messed up and woke him up.

After grabbing the blankets and pillows we trundled back out to the living room to try and go to bed.  We had come to the conclusion that he was just going to have to scream it out since all our efforts were being thwarted at every turn.  We restarted the dishwasher to try to drown out the screaming and get some sleep ourselves.  This plan seemed good on paper but trying to sleep while your baby was screaming for some unknown reason is quite difficult and I was straining to hear him over the dishwasher.  A mother through and through.  After an hour of listening to my baby scream, restarting the dishwasher again, and my husband snoring, I gave into the extreme exhaustion and fell asleep around 3:30am.  I awoke to the sound of screaming at 4:30am and was super concerned that Sam was still screaming and rushed back to the bedroom door only to find that the screaming was coming from a different room and a different boy.

Ben woke from a bad dream and was terrified to be in his room without me.  I had tried to talk to him and reassure him that no monsters were in his room but he was too scared for talking to do the trick.  He was so scared that I had to lay down with him and he had to hold onto my hair and neck to make sure I wasn't going to leave him.  After about 45 minutes and half my body being numb I was able to get out from his vice like grip and stumble back to the couch to try and get a smidge more sleep.  Of course the kids were up long before we wanted them to be and morning came faster than it should have but bags under your eyes is one of the true marks of being a parent.

All the dinosaurs are running wild

Monday was our Jurassic trip we had been planning for all of 30 hours. Cher and Magda wanted to take Ben to see the dinosaurs at the zoo. He was so excited to see them as was Claire and Sam was excited to see the older kids so pumped up. We woke up early so we could get there when the zoo opened. Children came from their bedroom like bullets and clambered onto our bed to wake us. It was like Christmas morning. Trav and I stayed up late the night before making sure we had everything packed and ready to go in the morning so all we had to do was eat, get dressed, and hop in the car. Things were going smoothly when I decided to look outside. Clouds? It was supposed to be 78 degrees today and we wanted to get to the zoo early so it would be cool enough that the children wouldn't get overheated and cranky. Clearly not an issue.

I checked the weather online again and it still said it was going to be a nice day. Shorts it is! I brought long sleeved T shirts for the kids just in case they were cold before it burned off. We all piled into the car, kissed Trav goodbye since he had to go to work, and off we went. Just about half way through Gresham it started to rain. Of course. We have been talking this up now all morning and before bed and it is raining. Oh well, we are Oregonians and we can handle rain. If we let rain stop us we would never leave our houses 9 months out of the year.

We arrived to find the parking lot quite full and raining harder when I remembered how much I don't care for going places like this without Trav. There are a ton of people and trying to keep track of 2 kids who are so excited that they follow any crowed of people to go see the next exhibit is nerve wracking. We met up with Cher and Magda and started our quest through the zoo. I knew that Magda and the kids were not going to last too long so I pushed to get to the dinosaurs since that was why we were there. It continued to rain and took a while to find our way there. We decided along the way to stop for lunch. Not long after that we were at the Jurassic gate and could hear the mighty beasts.

Ben at this point started to look a bit concerned with what we were about to see. We walked around the corner and there it was...the first dinosaur! Claire and Cher walked right up to it and were fascinated with it! Ben on the other hand took one look at me and got teary eyed. "They're too scary!" was all he could tell me and hid behind my legs. I picked him up and tried to calm him down by letting him know that they are just pretend and not real like all the other animals we had seen earlier in the day. I tried to walk over with him glued to my neck and waist but when we got about 6' from life sized Dino he panicked and couldn't do it. I reassured him that they were fake and asked him if he wanted to ride in the anti-dinosaur stroller that I had brought just in case (You never know when an anti-dinosaur stroller might be handy. I recommend everyone getting one. I believe that they are available on Amazon for a limited time).

He opted to ride in the safety of the chair for a little while and then decided it was most likely safe because we were in a zoo and not in the wild. He did fine up until we reached the T Rex and then needed a brief sit in the Dino repellent stroller again. In his defense, it was rather large. Overall everyone had a wonderful time and it did eventually stop raining even though it never burned off or got hotter than 62 degrees.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Last night while the kids were playing outside there was a beautiful rainbow. A photo opportunity? Why yes!