Trapped

I am thankful. I am thankful for everything I have in my life. I need to state that outloud. I love my life and everyone in it. It is hard for me to say outloud that I feel like I am drowning. I am starting to loose sight of what I love and what I have. I am letting my husband down and my kids down. I can't seem to manage my day or get anything done which is hard for Travis and the kids. Greif, daily life, and Sam's screaming has consumed my life and I can't get hardly anything done. When I get a moment of peace I don't want to do anything but sit. I have tried to be happy outside of the house thinking that I can fool myself into thinking I really am happy. I am ashamed of who I have become. I am unhappy, fat, tired, and angry a lot of the time. I struggle with everything and can't seem to do anything right. I fear that I am making my family unhappy and disappointed in who I am. After loosing loved ones and trying to deal with an unhappy baby all the time I am becoming defeated. On top of all the other small and big problems that exist in our lives it is becoming too much. I am currently writing this with Sam screaming on my back. It has gotten to the point that even wearing him won't make him happy. What am I doing wrong? I feel like such a failure and just a shell of a person. This is all I ever wanted and all I want to do is take a break. I want to breathe and I just can't get my head above water. I just feel lost and I don't think smiling my way through is going to make it better.