I am change

I have been in a dark place. I use the word HAVE because I believe that I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Saying out loud to my mother in the ER last Thursday that financial trouble, the death of my mother in-law, the birth of our third child, the death of my brother in-law, and all that life has to throw at you in between really isn't a lot for one person to endure. Who was I kidding?! I was in the ER for crying out loud! I needed to admit that I was drowning and struggling, and that I needed help. I need help. Why was that so hard to say? Ask and ye shall receive. Never in my life has that been more clear to me than last Wednesday. On Tuesday afternoon I asked God for a sign that I needed to change my life. Wednesday afternoon I was having sever chest pain that continued through the night. I was convinced I was having a heart attack but not wanting to rack up anymore bills took some aspirin and tried to go to bed. After laying in bed for several hours I finally fell asleep. Upon waking I was still in pain, albeit less pain than the previous day, but still in pain. I rarely have need to go to the doctor so I don't have a primary care physician. Trying to find one to take me that morning was awful. Everyone kept telling me that I needed to go to the ER and that I was a liability to walk into their clinic. After talking to 10 advice nurses I called my mother and informed her of what was going on and that I needed her to meet me in the ER. Deciding that I was not in so much pain I couldn't focus nor was I dizzy, nauseous, having palpitations, or short of breath I drove myself so Trav could stay with the kids. I walked in the door where they slapped a bracelet on my wrist and within minutes I was whisked into a room where I was asked a barrage of questions, had my temperature and blood pressure taken, and then was put into another room. In the new room where I was hooked up to several machines my mother and I had a talk that literally has changed my life. I was able to share with her everything I was feeling, fearing, and all of my flaws. I knew I needed help and she was there to tell me that because she is my mother she would do anything for me. I know I would do anything for any of my children and here I was afraid to ask my mother for help because I was afraid to burden her. I was afraid to burden anyone in my life. I should be able to take care of my family on my own. Travis and I should be able to take care of our family on our own. Our parents have already done their jobs and raised us and now it is our turn. Why have I been of this mindset? I can't do it on my own. Travis and I can't do it on our own. We need help. For whatever reason I have lived my life this way fearing to let others see that I am weak and that I have major flaws. I am not going to do it anymore. I really thought I was not going to walk out of that hospital. I was convinced that this was it! This is what I get for not treating my body well, using food as my drug of choice, and not making time to exercise. I am being payed back with life ending consequences or a lifetime of sever health problems. After serveal hours, tests, X Rays, and nursing staff changes I was relieved to learn that I was most likely suffering from sever reflux and a possible ulcer resulting from stress. Great! I am not dying! I have racked up thousands of dollars in the ER only to find out that I have heartburn. That's not stressful. Since Thursday I have been quite down and was unable to shake the thought that I thought I was dying. I keep going back to the conversation I had with my mother and that I need to openly admit my flaws and change them. Travis and I have made the decision to change together and lead a healthier lifestyle in the mind as well as the body. We will need everyone's support as it is going to be a difficult and long road. We are going to do it and it starts now. I will write more tomorrow as I know the end of this blog is not concluded but I need to go to bed. I have a lot more to say as change is on the way.