Just because the package is small....

Today was a rough day for Claire. She was just off and had an attitude about her that made me want to send her to a distant content. I chalked it up to growing pains and discovering her own voice which, at times, makes me wonder if she is really only 4. Ben was playing nicely and Sam was sleeping when I noticed Claire quietly sitting behind the sofa balled up. Thinking she was pouting about a previous argument earlier that day I casually asked if she was ok. She turned her head and found her with tears in her eyes. I at first thought she was hurt and when asked she didn't speak. It alarmed me more and I started to fear that something ruptured because she was warm and pale. After pressing her to speak she burst out with "I miss Grandma!" My heart sank and I sat on the floor with her holding her as she cried uncontrollably. "I miss her voice, I miss her kisses, I can't see her anymore!" I didn't know what to do. I just held her. I let her talk and cry. "I want Greg. Greg and Grandma should be here not in Heaven! I want them and I can't have them. It's not fair!" "I know" was all I could say to her. We were both crying and Ben came and sat with us. He didn't even ask what was wrong. He just held us and placed his head on my ribs and held Claire's hand. I let them both know that there will always be a piece missing where Uncle Greg and Grandma were in our lives. We have lots of pictures and stories to keep them alive in our memories. As long as we talk about them we will never forget them and how much they meant to us. I let them know that I can still hear Grandma's voice in my head. Her infectious laugh. I can feel her hugs that I always got upon seeing her even if we had seen each other the previous day. I hear Uncle Greg's voice telling stories about when he was a kid or arguing at the dinner table about something with Uncle Matt and Bapa. I feel Uncle Greg's big strong hugs that I got every time I saw him and of how much he loved them. He loved them. Grandma loved them. I remind them that we are lucky to have been given as much time as we did with them while they were here. This experience with Claire today was a tough one since it made me remember that just because she is small doesn't mean she doesn't understand or comprehend loss. We are almost at the 1 year anniversary of Karen's death. My body can feel it and now I know Claire's does too. I am glad I was able to share such an emotional experience with my daughter and be emotional with her. As much as I initially dreaded having to talk about the loss of Greg and Karen out loud it was good to do and I think we are feeling a little better about life.

What are you doing?

While I was folding laundry and putting it away I took noticed that Claire was talking quite loud to herself. Trying to listen without looking like I was listening I was superficially busy with straitening up and not looking at her at all. She sounded like she was having a conflict between 2 people about where they were headed on their vacation. "The beach or bapa's house?" Still not wanting her to notice I was eavesdropping on her conversation I just said "What are you doing?" She responded with "Just playing." 'What are you playing?" I asked. Her reply was "Just a couple of chicks driving around." I was astounded that she had referred to her female dolls as chicks and turned around to explain that that was not a nice way to speak of the female species. What I did see when I turned around was a couple of chicks driving around.