Dear Karen,
I know that I am writing this for me but in doing so it feels like you are just at the beach plugging away at your sewing machine instead of where you really are. I had a dream about you last night. It ripped me awake only to find that the emptiness still exists within me where you once resided. I have thought about you every day since you left and everything in my life reminds me of you.
The day Sam was born was wonderful and terrible all at the same time because you were unable to be a part of it. I was so thrilled that you were so excited the day we invited you to be a part of his birth. I pictured you whispering excitedly to my mom the whole time and crying with us after he was born. I longed for you to hold him minutes after he was born and comment wildly about how big he was. I wanted to listen to you make phone calls to family and friends. He will never know you like I always pictured he would and our stories of you and how you were will not do you justice.
Claire and Ben stayed with Steve overnight the day Sam was born. Steve was wonderful and the kids had a great time with him. He has been such a blessing to us and has been trying to fill in where you left off. You would have been so proud of the Christmas presents he got the family and all the cute girly dress up stuff he got for Claire. Claire and Ben love him so much that when I see them with him my heart aches and I can't wait for Sam to go running to him yelling "Bapa!" Steve has taken the older kids a few times so I can have a little break. I think it is as good for him as it is for me. He is an amazing man. He spends most of his time with Greg and Shana helping them, with Matt and Jen's kids, and on top of everything else still has time to help us from time to time.
Claire is going to be 4 in a few months. It feels like yesterday we were all awaiting her arrival in Corvallis. She is very smart, sweet when she wants to be, and down right ornery when she feels like it. She is overall a wonderful kid and it hurts that you are not here to watch her grow up. She misses you so very much. She, out of the blue, was crying about the fact that you weren't here anymore and that you were up in Heaven. She asks if you will ever come back and I told her that she can keep you in her heart and see you in her dreams. You would have been so proud of her the other day as she actually hugged Greg and played with him a little. She put stickers all over his feet, colored a bunch of pictures for him, and gave him fist bumps. It has been wonderful visiting Greg and Shana lately.
Ben would make you laugh nonstop! That kid is so funny and smart that it is hard to be upset with him when he is in trouble. He is talking up a storm and has a smile so bright it could lead you through darkness. He loves to point you out in the family photo we all had taken a few months before Trav and I got married. That is such a wonderful photo and when I was looking through some photos for your service I came across my favorite one of you and Ben. It was taken at Frank and Naomi's house during Claire's 3rd birthday. I have video of you driving the kids around the driveway and letting them both steer with you laughing in the background. We are trying to potty train Ben now and I am craving your advice on how to do this. You went through this with 3 boys and it is so foreign to me. Potty training girls is easy. Doing this with Ben scares me a bit.
Trav and I are doing well. There was a bit of a job scare a few months ago. The church was unable to keep him on full time unless we got the entire congregation to give a smidge more every month. The congregation loves him so much they were more than happy to dig a little deeper to make sure we can stay. It was scary thinking that we might have to leave and find another church. We love this one so much we can't imagine bonding with a new one. They love our family and have created such a warm, loving, and caring environment. You and Steve have raised a wonderful man and everyone who comes in contact with him knows it. He makes me a better person as has knowing you.
You watched me grow up, marry your son, and start a family with him. I am so glad that I was able to tell you how much you have meant to me over the years as a friend, mother, and grandmother. I love that we were able to share anything with each other and I miss you more than I can express. I think I am going to write to you often because it feels good to have this outlet. I feel like I can still have contact with you and it makes the pain a little easier to handle. I love and miss you as does everyone you came in contact with throughout your life.
KT
