New York Bound

I have had my picture taken more times in the past 2 weeks than I have ever had in my entire adult life. I embraced the entire experience and had an amazing time! I met new family, made new friends, and got to know family members as an adult. I found out how much I have in common with both my aunts and got to see what fabulous people my 3 cousins have become. This trip taught me a lot about myself and my wonderful family. I learned to get over some of my fears and just had fun. I was glad to be able to take this vacation by myself and Travis and my aunt Ann Marie made that happen. If it were not for them I would have never dreamed of, nor have been able to take this trip. I was able to have new experiences like boating (Drugged of course), yoga, a mani pedi, trying new foods, traveling by taxi, and meeting with a medium. This is batch one.

On the boat going to the boat show

We'll take two! Uncle Scott and I having a good time!

Antie AM is ready to cruise baby!

Uncle Scott caught Dinner!

A neighbor down the street let us tour his fabulous yard and pose!

Posing!

This is a farm that the town of North Port saved to keep it going. Me and Mr.Goat.

On the train to the city!

New York Public Library!

Leggo store! Auntie AM can almost reach the dragon!

Rainbow Room!!

Look out Scott, Ann Marie has a thing for Batman.

I am not a rebel I swear! He is also made of Legos!

Turtle

This could be slightly akward

Auntie AM scared by the squid and whale fighting

Me being in love with the giant squid

Just a Sunday afternoon

We enjoyed the sun a couple of Sundays ago and managed to snap a few pictures.

Dear Karen

Dear Karen, Busy can not even begin to describe the last couple of weeks. Our 8th wedding anniversary was on the 3rd, Claire's 5th birthday was on the 5th, and then Travis's birthday is tomorrow. He decided not to have a celebration again this year. I think that is because it is painful as the last birthday party he had you were there. It was a big deal for us as not only was it his 30th birthday but we were announcing that we were expanding our family yet again. We miss you. I am doing the rummage sale again this year for the church which is a huge job and help is scarce but I do enjoy it. I, for the most part, like looking at what people bring and, as you know, like finding bargains. I price things for what I would like pay. It worked in the past and I hope it works again this year. Steve brought in a load of stuff from Matt and Jen. Hidden in the truck was also some of your stuff. Pain and confusion washed over me as I was touching things that I know you treasured. I did decide to keep a couple of things but was tempted to keep it all. I am one of those people, as you know well, who keeps things that I find sentimental. Broken hearted and tearful I only kept 2 items. Why is that hard? I know it is just stuff and not you but here I am clinging on to all that is left. Shana had this beautiful blown glass oil lamp made with Greg's ashes. I really want to have one made from your ashes but it is pricey. Lame I know but we just don't have room in the budget for extras. Plus I don't know if Steve would find it weird to ask for some of your ashes? Claire's party was a hit! It was nice to see the family and the weather could not have been more perfect. She received wonderful gifts and the best gift of all was her own room. We decided that it was time for her to have her own space with all her own girly stuff and not have to worry about her little brothers breaking her toys or destroying what she has made. Ben and Sam are enjoying their room together and the bond between them is growing stronger every day. Ben loves being the "Big Brother" to Sam and showing him the ropes of room ownership. Ben is however struggling with potty training and we are going to hold him back from pre-school. We will send him next fall since the school will not take kids who are not full potty trained. It is disappointing but too much pressure on him backfires and it is hard for everyone. Sam is moving at his own pace like he has for his entire life thus far. He is trying to talk and has recently learned to yell "Go!" He enjoys this because whenever he yells it the older kids run and race each other. Oh the power. He is now climbing up and downstairs, on all of the furniture, and is into everything in the kitchen. Boy have I gotten lax on the rules with the 3rd kid! Kids in the kitchen?! I am trying to teach him to stay on the carpet which has proven to be rough. It consumes all my time which is needed elsewhere but I am determined to make it happen! Trav and I are doing well despite having no money. I remember you telling me about you marriage and that it was also hard with no money. You two loved each other, worked hard, and kept communication open and eventually got established. We definitely love each other, are working hard, and are very good at communication. I know we will stand the test of time as you and Steve were wonderful examples. I can hear Trav filling the sandcastle pool you bought for the kids a few years ago so I should go and slather my very pale children to protect them from the sun. I love and miss you dearly. KT

What?! You gonna wine about it?!

Today has been wonderful!! Steph and I have been wine tasting practically all day! This is the life. We Roamed the Rogue and went to 7 vineyards where we had fabulous food parings with many different wines. All were great but started to blend together a bit after the first several as well as mood. I got a bit silly and then super sleepy. I managed to snap some pictures while out on our beautiful day.

Dear Karen

Dear Karen, I am awake before everyone else and the birds are chirping and the air is crisp and it makes me think of you. You were always up first and I can only imagine that you have had many moments like this. Many fond memories of the peaceful silence and being one with nature for a few precious moments. I think you would be happy to know that I am on a vacation with Stephanie. I have no kids with me and no husband! A girls trip if you will. Travis was very supportive, encouraging me to go and I haven’t looked back. I have only been gone since Thursday night but I am having so much fun! Stephanie’s parents have a home in Gold Hill (Near Medford) and it is a dream here. I long for the rural lifestyle complete with chickens and some livestock. Ken and Kris (Steph’s parents) are truly wonderful people and have treated me like family for as long as I have known them. They love our family and feel like our kids are their grand kids and we are happy to have them in our lives. They are our family. I was privileged enough yesterday to help with the chickens and got to catch one and hold it! This just made my day. I know I am quite the dork but I will embrace it and enjoy my chicken time while I am here. Steph and I got our toes painted as well yesterday and I have little white flowers on them like you used to get. I always loved your flowers on your toes and now I treat myself once a year to that as well. I have called Trav twice since being gone and he is doing very well with the kids (Not that I was worried). He is such a great dad. I wish you could see him with them as you would be proud. I see so much of you in him that sometimes it hurts. I wanted to call you the other day and tell you about Claire. We were in the grocery store and a lady was talking to me about laundry soap, as we were in that aisle, and Claire chimed in saying that I had turned all out towels pink. Yes I did do that but that was almost 2 months ago and it was a total accident with the kitchen rug. She has been telling everyone we know and some we don’t “My mommy turned all our towels pink!” I can’t help feeling embarrassed when she recalls this story and wish she would forget it already. She is so excited for kindergarten she is bursting at the seams! I got her a work book so we can be going over some things this summer in better preparation for the fall. You would be proud of how much she knows and of how loving she is. Ben is Ben. He loves to play and be ridiculous as much a possible. He can get me to laugh like no other. His smile gets him out of a lot of trouble. He is 3 now and is being difficult most of the time. Potty training seems to be getting better as I changed my tactics and he is responding quite well to them. The goal is to have him trained by the middle of the summer so he can go to preschool in the fall. He and Claire were fighting in their room a few days ago and so I went to investigate. When I got to the door I stopped to listen to what was going on and I hear Ben saying in a regal manor “I am the queen.” Claire is arguing against that saying she is the queen and that he can be the prince. Ben then says “I am the queen and you can be…….my servant!” We need to find some little boys for him to play with. Sam has been doing much better. He has gained weight and been pretty happy lately. He has a couple of teeth coming in so he has had some unpleasantness but that is to be expected. He is playing alone very well and is so SO loud. You thought Ben was loud! Sam is 10 decibels louder in his speaking voice than Ben. It is hard to imagine until you hear it. He started walking finally but only because my mom got him to do it. Trav and I tried so hard to get him to walk for months. My mom comes in for the weekend and got him to do it within the first 3 hours of her being there! It is great! He loves it, we love it and he is just delighted to be able to keep up a little better with Claire and Ben. Sam looks so much like you I find it uncanny. I will have to find a baby picture of you and post it with a picture of Sam so you can see it. He has so much Peterson in him and I think he laughs like you too. He really laughs and enjoys life. Today is going to be wine tasting starting at 10am so I had better eat a hearty breakfast and get myself together. I love you and miss you. You are always in my heart and on my mind. Love, KT

That's Our Son

You may ask why did we perch our son on the top of the porch railing? We did because.......well we did because our son's mother got a new camera and needed to try it out. Why is our son dressed like a Superhero? Because he is one.

They Flew Through The Air With The Greatest Of Ease

What is a dying wish? I have asked this of myself and have not yet come up with an answer. I guess you have to be dying? I once heard of a dying wish many years ago from a man I was soon to be related to. Greg Larsen. Greg in his usual booming voice mentioned in casual conversation that upon his death he wanted to be shot out of a cannon. Yes a cannon. At the time of this statement he was a healthy young man with his whole life ahead of him. It could not have been more than 2 years later that he and his wife Shana found out that he was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. After battling for almost 5 years (He fought tooth and nail) he lost the fight. I remember having a conversation with Travis after receiving an email form Shana. The email was asking the immediate family if they wanted to be with Greg in the last few days and hours of his life. We didn't need to think about it as we both were on the same page as we wanted to support Shana in this most awful time and help ease Greg out of this world. I now will admit I was slightly worried about how I was going to feel after he passed as he wanted to do it in the comfort of his own home. What would this look like and what happened next? I didn't want to ask any questions as I didn't want to be cruel or morbid as at the time he was still living so I kept those questions to myself and just decided to muster the courage for my husband and family when the time came. We got the call and all arrived at Greg and Shana's home. At the time Sam was 3 months old. I was still nursing him so he came as well. He was a bit of a distraction which was good and Greg got to see him again. Greg was fairly lucid and at one point he said "Where's my million dollar kid? Where's my million dollar kid?" And Shana asked if he was talking about Sam and Greg replied "Yeah! Where's my million dollar Sam?" So Shana took Sam over to Greg and Greg touched his feet and got to look at him and Sam was just looking at his uncle. "There's my million dollar Sam." It was less than 24hours later on April 12 2011 he slipped away peacefully with all of us at his bedside. After it had happened and we all embraced each other crying it felt natural to have Greg's body still with us. It wasn't scary or uncomfortable. He was in the living room on his bed and we were congregating 10 feet away in the kitchen talking about good times with him. Shana spoke up and said that a few days earlier that Greg again mentioned that he wanted his ashes to be shot out of a cannon. We all looked at each other and laughed! Matt said "Well that's Greg." That was Greg. He was big, had a commanding presence, booming voice, and knew how to leave a lasting impression on anyone who met him. Of course he would want that. He was Greg Larsen. Greg left this task to his father Steve and brothers to make this happen. They came through boy did they ever. On April 15 at the Larsen beach house friends and family rallied as the cannon was brought onto the sand and wheeled out to the waters edge. Steve prepared 7 rounds of Greg's ashes and 3 rounds of Karen's ashes (My mother in-law who passed away on Nov. 11 2010) and they left the earth with a boom. My sister in-law Jen said she could just hear Karen squealing with delight that she got to be a part of the big day as well. I agree.

Getting the Cannon on the beach

Gathering

Shana sharing her journey to this moment

Steve putting in the first round

Travis preparing one of the rounds

The beautiful plume of ash

Karen's closest friends Janet and Donita

Wonderful friends and family

Ben in awe. When told a few days earlier what was going to happen he said "Uncle greg is going to be so surprised."

Shana getting to fire the cannon

Matt fireing a round

Shana fireing another round

Kids having a good time at the beach

Last shot of the day

A day we will all remember

Spring?

Today has been a wonderful "Winter" day. Travis got snowed in and we played in the 5" of snowfall. It continues to snow as it should all day and into tomorrow evening. Our camera is broken which is why I haven't posted in a million years. I was however able to snap a quick photo of the older 2 with thier snowman we all helped make. I just love snow!!

I am change part 2

I have had my "Aha!" moment and now it is time to get down to business. I think that being honest is the only way I am going to move on. To change the things that are flawed and turn myself into a better me. I have several flaws. I am OK now with admitting that out loud for all (The 6 of you who follow me. Thanks by the way) the world to see. First things first, I am over weight! I know that because I have mirrors in my house and I grunt when I get up off the floor. This is an obvious flaw. I weigh 252.4 pounds and the reason I am at the weight is because I love food. I love it so much that I spend a great deal of my day thinking about it, thinking about where I can get it, watching it on TV, I love food! Cake is my gateway drug! I use food as my drug of choice because it makes me feel good eating it. It is there when I am frustrated or happy or just bored. It doesn't judge me it just tastes good and makes everything OK for a short period of time and when the food is gone so are all the good feelings. Then I feel bad that I just consumed "X" amount of food and what do I do?? I eat some more because it will make all the guilt go away and it repeats its self over and over until that food is gone or I am over full and miserable. This is a flaw I am going to change because I am tired of being addicted to food and I want and need to be healthier. I don't like groaning nor looking at my own reflection as I get embarrassed. No more! Travis and I are doing much smaller portions, better food choices like veggies, whole grains, fruits, and lean meats. Smaller meals through out the day and no night eating. We will need support from everyone to encourage us to keep it up and help us make the right choices. We can and will succeed. Another flaw I have is I have a very short temper. I get angry easily and take it out on the kids and my loving husband. This is no way to treat the ones I love and it needs to stop now. I will be studying how to manage my anger and how to let things "Roll off my back", so to speak, easier. Some of this I believe is a learned behavior but I am aware of it now and I vow to change it. I want my kids to know that I love them and that they mean the world to me. I want Travis to know that I love him and that he means the world to me as well. Kids are kids and husbands are husbands and I will start to calm down and change my approach to be more understanding and tolerant. I will do this and I will succeed. Flaw number three is I am aware that I am depressed. It was so bad that I could barely get out of bed let alone take care of a family. I believe that by being open and honest about my feelings with others and seeking professional help I will correct this. I will also be doing daily exercise, get a proper amount of sleep, and I will seek out support outside of my family. I need to get out more, make some friends, and try new things. I can and will succeed. Yet another flaw I posses is that I am not super great about managing money. We have debt! We have enough debt to be uncomfortable. This is something Travis and I need to work on as well. It will be a few years before we are out from under this debt but we will have learned what not to do and be able to share it with our kids. It is does NOT make for fun living and going without but that is what you do to be free of debt. We will continue to dig out of our hole and pinch pennies until this burden is off our shoulders. We can and will succeed. Asking and accepting help from others is a huge flaw I have. I feel that there are others who need more help then I or have been where I have been and did it by themselves so why am I struggling? They seem to manage fine and I should too. I just need to dig a little deeper and push a little harder and I will be just fine. This is a load of crap. Everyone needs help and I am not going to be afraid or embarrassed to accept it. This for me is going to be the hardest thing to learn and accept from others. I don't feel worthy of help and have always felt that way. It is going to be hard to learn that I am worthy and that it is OK to accept help when it is offered. I will accept love and support from others and I will succeed.

I am change

I have been in a dark place. I use the word HAVE because I believe that I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Saying out loud to my mother in the ER last Thursday that financial trouble, the death of my mother in-law, the birth of our third child, the death of my brother in-law, and all that life has to throw at you in between really isn't a lot for one person to endure. Who was I kidding?! I was in the ER for crying out loud! I needed to admit that I was drowning and struggling, and that I needed help. I need help. Why was that so hard to say? Ask and ye shall receive. Never in my life has that been more clear to me than last Wednesday. On Tuesday afternoon I asked God for a sign that I needed to change my life. Wednesday afternoon I was having sever chest pain that continued through the night. I was convinced I was having a heart attack but not wanting to rack up anymore bills took some aspirin and tried to go to bed. After laying in bed for several hours I finally fell asleep. Upon waking I was still in pain, albeit less pain than the previous day, but still in pain. I rarely have need to go to the doctor so I don't have a primary care physician. Trying to find one to take me that morning was awful. Everyone kept telling me that I needed to go to the ER and that I was a liability to walk into their clinic. After talking to 10 advice nurses I called my mother and informed her of what was going on and that I needed her to meet me in the ER. Deciding that I was not in so much pain I couldn't focus nor was I dizzy, nauseous, having palpitations, or short of breath I drove myself so Trav could stay with the kids. I walked in the door where they slapped a bracelet on my wrist and within minutes I was whisked into a room where I was asked a barrage of questions, had my temperature and blood pressure taken, and then was put into another room. In the new room where I was hooked up to several machines my mother and I had a talk that literally has changed my life. I was able to share with her everything I was feeling, fearing, and all of my flaws. I knew I needed help and she was there to tell me that because she is my mother she would do anything for me. I know I would do anything for any of my children and here I was afraid to ask my mother for help because I was afraid to burden her. I was afraid to burden anyone in my life. I should be able to take care of my family on my own. Travis and I should be able to take care of our family on our own. Our parents have already done their jobs and raised us and now it is our turn. Why have I been of this mindset? I can't do it on my own. Travis and I can't do it on our own. We need help. For whatever reason I have lived my life this way fearing to let others see that I am weak and that I have major flaws. I am not going to do it anymore. I really thought I was not going to walk out of that hospital. I was convinced that this was it! This is what I get for not treating my body well, using food as my drug of choice, and not making time to exercise. I am being payed back with life ending consequences or a lifetime of sever health problems. After serveal hours, tests, X Rays, and nursing staff changes I was relieved to learn that I was most likely suffering from sever reflux and a possible ulcer resulting from stress. Great! I am not dying! I have racked up thousands of dollars in the ER only to find out that I have heartburn. That's not stressful. Since Thursday I have been quite down and was unable to shake the thought that I thought I was dying. I keep going back to the conversation I had with my mother and that I need to openly admit my flaws and change them. Travis and I have made the decision to change together and lead a healthier lifestyle in the mind as well as the body. We will need everyone's support as it is going to be a difficult and long road. We are going to do it and it starts now. I will write more tomorrow as I know the end of this blog is not concluded but I need to go to bed. I have a lot more to say as change is on the way.