Trapped

I am thankful. I am thankful for everything I have in my life. I need to state that outloud. I love my life and everyone in it. It is hard for me to say outloud that I feel like I am drowning. I am starting to loose sight of what I love and what I have. I am letting my husband down and my kids down. I can't seem to manage my day or get anything done which is hard for Travis and the kids. Greif, daily life, and Sam's screaming has consumed my life and I can't get hardly anything done. When I get a moment of peace I don't want to do anything but sit. I have tried to be happy outside of the house thinking that I can fool myself into thinking I really am happy. I am ashamed of who I have become. I am unhappy, fat, tired, and angry a lot of the time. I struggle with everything and can't seem to do anything right. I fear that I am making my family unhappy and disappointed in who I am. After loosing loved ones and trying to deal with an unhappy baby all the time I am becoming defeated. On top of all the other small and big problems that exist in our lives it is becoming too much. I am currently writing this with Sam screaming on my back. It has gotten to the point that even wearing him won't make him happy. What am I doing wrong? I feel like such a failure and just a shell of a person. This is all I ever wanted and all I want to do is take a break. I want to breathe and I just can't get my head above water. I just feel lost and I don't think smiling my way through is going to make it better.

I couldn't help mself!

While in the tub Sam struck this pose and held it for quite some time. This seems to be the way he enjoys sitting these days while in the warm water. It looks as though he is in a jacuzzi and all he is missing is a cold one.

One did, one didn't, and the other one was along for the ride

Right before getting into the tub this afternoon I managed to find the camera and take advantage of the good moods. With one exception. Who do you think was not wanting their picture taken?

All Hallow's Eve

Halloween seemed to sneak up on me this year. We have been ready with decorations since October 1st but as far as costumes go I lagged behind a bit. Claire wanted to be Tinkerbell so I set out to make her costume. After finding out how much tool was I found it cheaper to have a dress made for her so that is what I did. I ordered white shoes to dye green and made big puff balls out of yarn to put on them when they were done. The shoes didn't get done since the kitchen was torn apart and so the puff balls sit in the pantry unused. She had prosthetic ears and I made her wings which I hand sewed and made light up. The wings were super neat but the metal frame was too soft so it didn't hold it's shape as well as I had hoped. The fact that they light up was fun and she got a kick out of that. She was happy with the final result and that was good enough for me. Ben wanted to be a dragon so I found someone to make the cutest dragon costume and Travis made him wings that lit up just like Claire's. He loved his costume and flew around the room terrorizing the family. Sam was dressed as a Larsen ancestor. Lars we called him as he had a skeleton costume with a viking hat. He was quite a hit at church. I didn't really dress up this year with everything that is happening in out lives but sort of went as the standard witch (I wore a hat and had crazy hair and eyelashes). Travis dressed up as a saint and a sinner. He had a pitchfork, horns and a halo. Our camera wasn't working so we didn't get very many pictures of the event or Travis so you will have to imagine what he looked like. I took a couple with my phone but they are not very good. Bapa (Steve) came over for most of the day and we made plans to fix the kitchen and after dinner he and Trav took the kids out for Tricks or treats. I stayed home to answer the door and again we had a lot of interest over our decorations. We have a bubble fogger which puts fog inside bubbles so when they pop the smoke billows out. The piano was ready to eat any children who tried to play him and the giant spiders made our front room their home. We had a couple of people come in the house to have their pictures taken. That made me feel good. We have raised the bar in our neighborhood for decorations and now it is really fun. The kids came home candy in tow and so happy that I thought it was going to take them hours to go to sleep but they were both out in about 20 minutes. Overall it was a good time had by all and next year will be better. A thank you to Bapa is needed for taking all the pictures and spending the day out here. Thank you!

My dad

The man. The myth. The legend.

Just because the package is small....

Today was a rough day for Claire. She was just off and had an attitude about her that made me want to send her to a distant content. I chalked it up to growing pains and discovering her own voice which, at times, makes me wonder if she is really only 4. Ben was playing nicely and Sam was sleeping when I noticed Claire quietly sitting behind the sofa balled up. Thinking she was pouting about a previous argument earlier that day I casually asked if she was ok. She turned her head and found her with tears in her eyes. I at first thought she was hurt and when asked she didn't speak. It alarmed me more and I started to fear that something ruptured because she was warm and pale. After pressing her to speak she burst out with "I miss Grandma!" My heart sank and I sat on the floor with her holding her as she cried uncontrollably. "I miss her voice, I miss her kisses, I can't see her anymore!" I didn't know what to do. I just held her. I let her talk and cry. "I want Greg. Greg and Grandma should be here not in Heaven! I want them and I can't have them. It's not fair!" "I know" was all I could say to her. We were both crying and Ben came and sat with us. He didn't even ask what was wrong. He just held us and placed his head on my ribs and held Claire's hand. I let them both know that there will always be a piece missing where Uncle Greg and Grandma were in our lives. We have lots of pictures and stories to keep them alive in our memories. As long as we talk about them we will never forget them and how much they meant to us. I let them know that I can still hear Grandma's voice in my head. Her infectious laugh. I can feel her hugs that I always got upon seeing her even if we had seen each other the previous day. I hear Uncle Greg's voice telling stories about when he was a kid or arguing at the dinner table about something with Uncle Matt and Bapa. I feel Uncle Greg's big strong hugs that I got every time I saw him and of how much he loved them. He loved them. Grandma loved them. I remind them that we are lucky to have been given as much time as we did with them while they were here. This experience with Claire today was a tough one since it made me remember that just because she is small doesn't mean she doesn't understand or comprehend loss. We are almost at the 1 year anniversary of Karen's death. My body can feel it and now I know Claire's does too. I am glad I was able to share such an emotional experience with my daughter and be emotional with her. As much as I initially dreaded having to talk about the loss of Greg and Karen out loud it was good to do and I think we are feeling a little better about life.

What are you doing?

While I was folding laundry and putting it away I took noticed that Claire was talking quite loud to herself. Trying to listen without looking like I was listening I was superficially busy with straitening up and not looking at her at all. She sounded like she was having a conflict between 2 people about where they were headed on their vacation. "The beach or bapa's house?" Still not wanting her to notice I was eavesdropping on her conversation I just said "What are you doing?" She responded with "Just playing." 'What are you playing?" I asked. Her reply was "Just a couple of chicks driving around." I was astounded that she had referred to her female dolls as chicks and turned around to explain that that was not a nice way to speak of the female species. What I did see when I turned around was a couple of chicks driving around.