I am change part 2

I have had my "Aha!" moment and now it is time to get down to business. I think that being honest is the only way I am going to move on. To change the things that are flawed and turn myself into a better me. I have several flaws. I am OK now with admitting that out loud for all (The 6 of you who follow me. Thanks by the way) the world to see. First things first, I am over weight! I know that because I have mirrors in my house and I grunt when I get up off the floor. This is an obvious flaw. I weigh 252.4 pounds and the reason I am at the weight is because I love food. I love it so much that I spend a great deal of my day thinking about it, thinking about where I can get it, watching it on TV, I love food! Cake is my gateway drug! I use food as my drug of choice because it makes me feel good eating it. It is there when I am frustrated or happy or just bored. It doesn't judge me it just tastes good and makes everything OK for a short period of time and when the food is gone so are all the good feelings. Then I feel bad that I just consumed "X" amount of food and what do I do?? I eat some more because it will make all the guilt go away and it repeats its self over and over until that food is gone or I am over full and miserable. This is a flaw I am going to change because I am tired of being addicted to food and I want and need to be healthier. I don't like groaning nor looking at my own reflection as I get embarrassed. No more! Travis and I are doing much smaller portions, better food choices like veggies, whole grains, fruits, and lean meats. Smaller meals through out the day and no night eating. We will need support from everyone to encourage us to keep it up and help us make the right choices. We can and will succeed. Another flaw I have is I have a very short temper. I get angry easily and take it out on the kids and my loving husband. This is no way to treat the ones I love and it needs to stop now. I will be studying how to manage my anger and how to let things "Roll off my back", so to speak, easier. Some of this I believe is a learned behavior but I am aware of it now and I vow to change it. I want my kids to know that I love them and that they mean the world to me. I want Travis to know that I love him and that he means the world to me as well. Kids are kids and husbands are husbands and I will start to calm down and change my approach to be more understanding and tolerant. I will do this and I will succeed. Flaw number three is I am aware that I am depressed. It was so bad that I could barely get out of bed let alone take care of a family. I believe that by being open and honest about my feelings with others and seeking professional help I will correct this. I will also be doing daily exercise, get a proper amount of sleep, and I will seek out support outside of my family. I need to get out more, make some friends, and try new things. I can and will succeed. Yet another flaw I posses is that I am not super great about managing money. We have debt! We have enough debt to be uncomfortable. This is something Travis and I need to work on as well. It will be a few years before we are out from under this debt but we will have learned what not to do and be able to share it with our kids. It is does NOT make for fun living and going without but that is what you do to be free of debt. We will continue to dig out of our hole and pinch pennies until this burden is off our shoulders. We can and will succeed. Asking and accepting help from others is a huge flaw I have. I feel that there are others who need more help then I or have been where I have been and did it by themselves so why am I struggling? They seem to manage fine and I should too. I just need to dig a little deeper and push a little harder and I will be just fine. This is a load of crap. Everyone needs help and I am not going to be afraid or embarrassed to accept it. This for me is going to be the hardest thing to learn and accept from others. I don't feel worthy of help and have always felt that way. It is going to be hard to learn that I am worthy and that it is OK to accept help when it is offered. I will accept love and support from others and I will succeed.

I am change

I have been in a dark place. I use the word HAVE because I believe that I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Saying out loud to my mother in the ER last Thursday that financial trouble, the death of my mother in-law, the birth of our third child, the death of my brother in-law, and all that life has to throw at you in between really isn't a lot for one person to endure. Who was I kidding?! I was in the ER for crying out loud! I needed to admit that I was drowning and struggling, and that I needed help. I need help. Why was that so hard to say? Ask and ye shall receive. Never in my life has that been more clear to me than last Wednesday. On Tuesday afternoon I asked God for a sign that I needed to change my life. Wednesday afternoon I was having sever chest pain that continued through the night. I was convinced I was having a heart attack but not wanting to rack up anymore bills took some aspirin and tried to go to bed. After laying in bed for several hours I finally fell asleep. Upon waking I was still in pain, albeit less pain than the previous day, but still in pain. I rarely have need to go to the doctor so I don't have a primary care physician. Trying to find one to take me that morning was awful. Everyone kept telling me that I needed to go to the ER and that I was a liability to walk into their clinic. After talking to 10 advice nurses I called my mother and informed her of what was going on and that I needed her to meet me in the ER. Deciding that I was not in so much pain I couldn't focus nor was I dizzy, nauseous, having palpitations, or short of breath I drove myself so Trav could stay with the kids. I walked in the door where they slapped a bracelet on my wrist and within minutes I was whisked into a room where I was asked a barrage of questions, had my temperature and blood pressure taken, and then was put into another room. In the new room where I was hooked up to several machines my mother and I had a talk that literally has changed my life. I was able to share with her everything I was feeling, fearing, and all of my flaws. I knew I needed help and she was there to tell me that because she is my mother she would do anything for me. I know I would do anything for any of my children and here I was afraid to ask my mother for help because I was afraid to burden her. I was afraid to burden anyone in my life. I should be able to take care of my family on my own. Travis and I should be able to take care of our family on our own. Our parents have already done their jobs and raised us and now it is our turn. Why have I been of this mindset? I can't do it on my own. Travis and I can't do it on our own. We need help. For whatever reason I have lived my life this way fearing to let others see that I am weak and that I have major flaws. I am not going to do it anymore. I really thought I was not going to walk out of that hospital. I was convinced that this was it! This is what I get for not treating my body well, using food as my drug of choice, and not making time to exercise. I am being payed back with life ending consequences or a lifetime of sever health problems. After serveal hours, tests, X Rays, and nursing staff changes I was relieved to learn that I was most likely suffering from sever reflux and a possible ulcer resulting from stress. Great! I am not dying! I have racked up thousands of dollars in the ER only to find out that I have heartburn. That's not stressful. Since Thursday I have been quite down and was unable to shake the thought that I thought I was dying. I keep going back to the conversation I had with my mother and that I need to openly admit my flaws and change them. Travis and I have made the decision to change together and lead a healthier lifestyle in the mind as well as the body. We will need everyone's support as it is going to be a difficult and long road. We are going to do it and it starts now. I will write more tomorrow as I know the end of this blog is not concluded but I need to go to bed. I have a lot more to say as change is on the way.

Trapped

I am thankful. I am thankful for everything I have in my life. I need to state that outloud. I love my life and everyone in it. It is hard for me to say outloud that I feel like I am drowning. I am starting to loose sight of what I love and what I have. I am letting my husband down and my kids down. I can't seem to manage my day or get anything done which is hard for Travis and the kids. Greif, daily life, and Sam's screaming has consumed my life and I can't get hardly anything done. When I get a moment of peace I don't want to do anything but sit. I have tried to be happy outside of the house thinking that I can fool myself into thinking I really am happy. I am ashamed of who I have become. I am unhappy, fat, tired, and angry a lot of the time. I struggle with everything and can't seem to do anything right. I fear that I am making my family unhappy and disappointed in who I am. After loosing loved ones and trying to deal with an unhappy baby all the time I am becoming defeated. On top of all the other small and big problems that exist in our lives it is becoming too much. I am currently writing this with Sam screaming on my back. It has gotten to the point that even wearing him won't make him happy. What am I doing wrong? I feel like such a failure and just a shell of a person. This is all I ever wanted and all I want to do is take a break. I want to breathe and I just can't get my head above water. I just feel lost and I don't think smiling my way through is going to make it better.

I couldn't help mself!

While in the tub Sam struck this pose and held it for quite some time. This seems to be the way he enjoys sitting these days while in the warm water. It looks as though he is in a jacuzzi and all he is missing is a cold one.

One did, one didn't, and the other one was along for the ride

Right before getting into the tub this afternoon I managed to find the camera and take advantage of the good moods. With one exception. Who do you think was not wanting their picture taken?

All Hallow's Eve

Halloween seemed to sneak up on me this year. We have been ready with decorations since October 1st but as far as costumes go I lagged behind a bit. Claire wanted to be Tinkerbell so I set out to make her costume. After finding out how much tool was I found it cheaper to have a dress made for her so that is what I did. I ordered white shoes to dye green and made big puff balls out of yarn to put on them when they were done. The shoes didn't get done since the kitchen was torn apart and so the puff balls sit in the pantry unused. She had prosthetic ears and I made her wings which I hand sewed and made light up. The wings were super neat but the metal frame was too soft so it didn't hold it's shape as well as I had hoped. The fact that they light up was fun and she got a kick out of that. She was happy with the final result and that was good enough for me. Ben wanted to be a dragon so I found someone to make the cutest dragon costume and Travis made him wings that lit up just like Claire's. He loved his costume and flew around the room terrorizing the family. Sam was dressed as a Larsen ancestor. Lars we called him as he had a skeleton costume with a viking hat. He was quite a hit at church. I didn't really dress up this year with everything that is happening in out lives but sort of went as the standard witch (I wore a hat and had crazy hair and eyelashes). Travis dressed up as a saint and a sinner. He had a pitchfork, horns and a halo. Our camera wasn't working so we didn't get very many pictures of the event or Travis so you will have to imagine what he looked like. I took a couple with my phone but they are not very good. Bapa (Steve) came over for most of the day and we made plans to fix the kitchen and after dinner he and Trav took the kids out for Tricks or treats. I stayed home to answer the door and again we had a lot of interest over our decorations. We have a bubble fogger which puts fog inside bubbles so when they pop the smoke billows out. The piano was ready to eat any children who tried to play him and the giant spiders made our front room their home. We had a couple of people come in the house to have their pictures taken. That made me feel good. We have raised the bar in our neighborhood for decorations and now it is really fun. The kids came home candy in tow and so happy that I thought it was going to take them hours to go to sleep but they were both out in about 20 minutes. Overall it was a good time had by all and next year will be better. A thank you to Bapa is needed for taking all the pictures and spending the day out here. Thank you!

My dad

The man. The myth. The legend.