Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I am change part 2
I have had my "Aha!" moment and now it is time to get down to business. I think that being honest is the only way I am going to move on. To change the things that are flawed and turn myself into a better me. I have several flaws. I am OK now with admitting that out loud for all (The 6 of you who follow me. Thanks by the way) the world to see. First things first, I am over weight! I know that because I have mirrors in my house and I grunt when I get up off the floor. This is an obvious flaw.
I weigh 252.4 pounds and the reason I am at the weight is because I love food. I love it so much that I spend a great deal of my day thinking about it, thinking about where I can get it, watching it on TV, I love food! Cake is my gateway drug! I use food as my drug of choice because it makes me feel good eating it. It is there when I am frustrated or happy or just bored. It doesn't judge me it just tastes good and makes everything OK for a short period of time and when the food is gone so are all the good feelings.
Then I feel bad that I just consumed "X" amount of food and what do I do?? I eat some more because it will make all the guilt go away and it repeats its self over and over until that food is gone or I am over full and miserable. This is a flaw I am going to change because I am tired of being addicted to food and I want and need to be healthier. I don't like groaning nor looking at my own reflection as I get embarrassed. No more! Travis and I are doing much smaller portions, better food choices like veggies, whole grains, fruits, and lean meats. Smaller meals through out the day and no night eating. We will need support from everyone to encourage us to keep it up and help us make the right choices. We can and will succeed.
Another flaw I have is I have a very short temper. I get angry easily and take it out on the kids and my loving husband. This is no way to treat the ones I love and it needs to stop now. I will be studying how to manage my anger and how to let things "Roll off my back", so to speak, easier. Some of this I believe is a learned behavior but I am aware of it now and I vow to change it. I want my kids to know that I love them and that they mean the world to me. I want Travis to know that I love him and that he means the world to me as well. Kids are kids and husbands are husbands and I will start to calm down and change my approach to be more understanding and tolerant. I will do this and I will succeed.
Flaw number three is I am aware that I am depressed. It was so bad that I could barely get out of bed let alone take care of a family. I believe that by being open and honest about my feelings with others and seeking professional help I will correct this. I will also be doing daily exercise, get a proper amount of sleep, and I will seek out support outside of my family. I need to get out more, make some friends, and try new things. I can and will succeed.
Yet another flaw I posses is that I am not super great about managing money. We have debt! We have enough debt to be uncomfortable. This is something Travis and I need to work on as well. It will be a few years before we are out from under this debt but we will have learned what not to do and be able to share it with our kids. It is does NOT make for fun living and going without but that is what you do to be free of debt. We will continue to dig out of our hole and pinch pennies until this burden is off our shoulders. We can and will succeed.
Asking and accepting help from others is a huge flaw I have. I feel that there are others who need more help then I or have been where I have been and did it by themselves so why am I struggling? They seem to manage fine and I should too. I just need to dig a little deeper and push a little harder and I will be just fine. This is a load of crap. Everyone needs help and I am not going to be afraid or embarrassed to accept it. This for me is going to be the hardest thing to learn and accept from others. I don't feel worthy of help and have always felt that way. It is going to be hard to learn that I am worthy and that it is OK to accept help when it is offered. I will accept love and support from others and I will succeed.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I seriously love you lady, and I know that if you're the same person I grew up with, that you can do anything you put your mind to. Just be nicer to yourself, learn to laugh at the failures, and grow from them. :-)
There will always be "someone better.. someone stronger, someone skinnier, someone happier..ect.." Focus on you, you can't offer the love and support to your family that they need unless you're willing to give it to yourself first.
I'm very proud of you for being so honest about everything. You're very brave to be so honest, something I lack. (I don't like showing my own "weaknesses.") You can do it, you're an amazing and strong person! GO YOU!!!
P.S. It's SO easy to loose track of yourself when you're a mom, I understand and you have three! Find something healthy that makes YOU happy. (I like getting my hair done :) )
Courage - and loads of it. That's what you've discovered in yourself. You've found the courage to face very personal challenges, shortcomings and circumstances that have been overwhelming you. And even more, you've found the courage to reveal your personal trauma to those of us who love and admire you the most.
I am so glad you've realized that acknowledging the need for serious help is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw. In reality it is a sign of growing wisdom!
Loving YOU...
Nana
You're on the right track my friend. I think you'll find taking better care of you will make the other stuff easier to take. I have found meditation to be a great stress reliever. Taking those few moments - as few as ten - to just be quiet and alone in prayer - deep prayer. Add some deep breathing and it works wonders. Deep breathing is not just a phrase, it really has some physiological foundations.
You can and will do this, one step at a time. Don't try to run to far ahead, just a step and a day at a time. You will get there. Slowly changes habits.
I'll be praying for you - but you are an amazing lady. I know you will succeed.
Hey katie... i just want you to know that i have always looked up to you growing up and i love you very much. i wish we could spend more time together but due to our living distance it is extremly hard. you know as well as i that i have struggled my whole life with being obese and i am trying to do the same my self. ive started a new diet called medifast. she shakes are grose but im trying to stick to it as much as possible and just trying to look at the bigger picture rather then what i want and feel right now. if you ever need to talk you can always call or text me i love you!
Heather
Dear Katie, It is my belief that we come into this life to learn how to love. The absence of love is "fear". When we loathe our behaviors and our short-comings, we live in constant fear. We are simply unable to love fully. This leads to comfort cravings as we seek instant gratiication, resulting in uncontrollable depressing and exhausting fear.
"To love thy neighbor as thyself" is the most challenging commandment. For if we do not love ourselves, we can never love others - families and friends- as they should be loved. Fear is the absence of love.
Opening to change is the greatest gift you can give to all. and you really need to open just one door to change everything you say you wIsh to improve in your life.
In taking care of YOU, living in a state of wellness; allowing those you care about to support you, you'll soon find that all other problems will be solved one by one.
As you find your love of self through respecting your health, you will find happiness within.
The happiness that you once thought could only be found in buying material things or in comfort food eating will die away.
Tolerance toward your loved ones will come since impatience is just another creation of the feaful mind that arrives when we are out of balance within.
Your story is everyone's story. We all fight deamons of our own making. Through your dedication to change, you now lift us all to strive for more improvements in our own lives, so that we may come to more love of our own selves.
Thank you for writing your blog.
I'm starting my good health plan with you!
Love ann marie.
Post a Comment